By Tim

his week’s article is an interview with the Kalphite Queen, have you dared to fight her? Because she’s really quite nice, so here’s some humor the Kalphite Queen and I had while doing the interview.

“When I'm not giving birth or pwning noobs, there's nothing better than a hard earned thirst. I drink VICTORIA BITTER. “
“Because they are nerds who have nothing better to do"

Now onto the interview (was done with extreme caution).

Hello Kalphite Queen, how's it going today?
Quite poorly. A clan just came and killed me 3 times in a row and I dropped a precious Dragon Chainmail. I don't know how I keep coming back to life though.

Awe... That’s so sad, do you know why they hunt you so mean like?
It's mostly because it brings the clans together as an activity so they can steal my precious Dragon Chainmail. I think it's time my Kalphite Soldiers actually start protecting me.

You mean the soldiers don't protect such a great queen like yourself?
Although they are my children, they are usually busying and distracting themselves talking and what-not. It's kind of sad really; I wish they would take their orders. But, boys will be boys.

Yes, we all know how boys like their toys. So do you have any hobbies?
I try to knit my children sweaters. Unfortunately, my pincers cannot navigate the needles properly which cause problems. I like cleaning, I try to keep my home clean, but clans come in and after I kill them, or they kill me, the whole place is messed up again. But I do like cleaning it up.

Can you show us some of the things you've knitted your children?

I knitted this for my 2nd son. It was my best piece of work until one of his pincers tore it apart.

Awe... I bet it looked so darn cute on him, didn't it?
It would have, if he hadn't destroyed it.

Yes, bet it would of. Do you ever go away anywhere for the public holidays?
No. As many RuneScapers might have noticed, I can't fit out the little entrance to my cave. My smallest Kalphites were supposed to be digging out the caves so I could leave. But when they went above ground level, they were instantly killed by the bright light of the sun.
I would really like to go to another cave though!

Awe... that's such a shame about the deaths and not being able to go away. If you could go away where would you like to go?
Hmm... I've heard great things about the Grand Tree and the area surrounding. It would be nice to know what Gnomes are like too, I hear they are a perky and friendly bunch.

Well, Kalphite Queen, from this interview I've had with you it seems many Runescape players misunderstand you, don't you think?
Well I'm not a bad Kalphite, I provide for hundreds. Just because I'm big and scary looking to humans doesn't make me bad, it just means that Guthix made me that way. If I could change myself one bit, I wouldn't. So to answer your question, I am very much misunderstood.

I think that raps it up, any last words you'd like to say?
I'd like to tell people to be more considerate of others, and put themselves in that creature's shoes before slaying them.

Some very wise advice there, Could you please kill me now so I can leave?
Children! Kill Him!... No... Don’t play tag with each other...

That’s the end of the interview but now for one last bit of humor from the Kalphite Queen:
“They spend time getting wasted with the Barbarians”

Special Thanks to Keith